There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
