So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
