Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
