i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I didn't notice because vodka
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
