Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
