I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize