Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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