Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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