the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
