Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
