I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
