there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm getting married
To pizza
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
