i just sent this text using only my big toe
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize