Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
