My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize