Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
