I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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