you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My vagina just recognized that song.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
