Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
