im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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