Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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