I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
