Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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