My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
