dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
