Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
