I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
