Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
