I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
