im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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