By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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