Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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