i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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