how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
