I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you would pick up someone in the library
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
