Im at strip club and am horny
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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