You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
