oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
