Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
