I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize