Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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