When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
