I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
