if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
