life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
