franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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