I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
