Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
