I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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