Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
