Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
