God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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