I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize