Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
