i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
We are all done wearing pants today
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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