he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
